I can’t really spoil a kung-fu movie, but a quick review
after the jump.
It makes me sad that we get so few real kung-fu movies these years, especially in theaters, but I did get a good idea of who Warner Bros. thought would be in attendance by the trailers beforehand. The answer, in case you couldn’t figure it out, is black people. Warner Bros. thinks only black people attend kung-fu movies in theaters, and on top of that, Warner Bros. doesn’t seem to think much of black people’s intellects, judging by said trailers. Mostly they were for sub-SCARY MOVIE type parodies, one of which I was fairly certain would be titled ‘Paranormal Blacktivity.’ Thankfully, good taste mingled with no imagination prevailed, and the film was dubbed A HAUNTED HOUSE. (If you google Marlon Wayans, which I had to do to recall that amazingly bland title, the first options to come up on auto complete are Marlon Wayans gay, followed by Marlon Wayans net worth.) For the record, the audience was a mix of black folks and nerdy white males (also some college dudes directly in front of me, who made the theater reek of cheap cologne and concession stand meat), and nobody seemed that jazzed for the garbage being offered up before the movie proper.
Again, I can’t really even spoil a plot, because it’s a kung-fu movie. It’s about (mostly) Asians killing each other with their hands and intricate weapons while moving acrobatically. Basically, Silver Lion (Byron Mann, clearly having a ball. I hope he gets a ton of work from this) and Bronze Lion (Cung Le) kill their master, Gold Lion (Kuan Tai Chen). They have a henchman called Brass Body (Dave Bautista), who has powers like Colossus from the X-Men. Gold Lion’s son, Zen Yi (Rick Yune) seeks vengeance against the usurpers. The village Blacksmith (RZA) forges weapons for every clan, regardless of their affiliation. Also in town is Jack Knife (Russell Crowe), who is sort of playing The (British) Man with No Name. Much of the action concerns a cache of gold in the village whore house, overseen by Madam Blossom (Lucy Liu). If anything detracted from this particular movie, it was the desire to cram in a bunch of plot, or, as Joe Bob Briggs would put it, a whole lot of plot getting in the way of the story. We only really need to know the clans, who is with who, and, most importantly, who is against who. There is rumor that the original cut of this picture was four hours long, and you can kind of see that in the rushed quality of the final product. I don’t think we needed two two-hour movies from this material, but there are some scenes here that could use some breathing room, and a lot of modern-vernacular narration used to patch the holes.
As far as the film itself is concerned, again, I liked it and had a lot of fun. I kind of wish that the end credits roll had been used at the beginning (various characters from the film practicing kung-fu against a bare black background) as that is how many of my favorite martial arts movies began. I also would have preferred a few longer sustained one-on-one fights, and maybe a bit more FIST OF LEGEND style wire work. I get that blood has a place in kung-fu, and I’m not squeamish by any means, but there are plenty of classics where not a drop is spilled. Some of the flashbacks are a bit clunky and could have freed up some time. On the plus side, the soundtrack is great, as you may well expect from a RZA film, and it has more than a few nods to classics of the genre. Everyone has a signature weapon and style, my favorites being the Gemini. I only wish they stuck around a bit longer.
I should note that as I write this, a Mind Your Manners with
Billy Quan short happens to be on a random Almost Live rerun.
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